Kinda Sorta the News
Before writing copy, I wrote fake news. I ran UCLA’s satire paper, The Westwood Enabler, then kept it going with LAish.
Biden Announces Ambitious Plan to Circle Back
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden this morning announced his ambitious “Saving America’s Soul” plan, which aims to circle back and determine concrete policy in a few years. “The American people are facing unprecedented hardships by no fault of their own, which is why I have established a task force that will circle back with a plan, I hope, by 2023,” said Biden, who is facing backlash from Republicans and moderate Democrats who believe he is trying to circle back too soon and favor a longer circle back. “People are struggling and, you know, someone’s gotta fix it, and I don’t know how, but my advisors said to me: Joe, policy doesn’t grow on trees, and the American people are just going to have to be a little patient while we circle back.” Following his announcement, sources reported that Biden was considering delaying the circling back until he could get Republicans to join in order to circle back in a bipartisan manner, so that the country can, in Biden’s words, “circle forward together.”
Report: You’ve Read All Your Free Articles For This Month
WESTWOOD — Citing the paywall triggered after reading three articles in a given month, The Westwood Enabler reported that you have exhausted all of your free articles for this month and must create an account and select a digital subscription plan to read more content. “You’ve read all your free articles for this month,” said the pop-up window on the Enabler’s website, adding that you can get unlimited access to the publication starting at just $4.99 a month. “Click to view subscription options and FAQs.” At press time, it appeared that you were using an ad-blocker, which you must disable to continue using the website.
American Airlines To Offer Priority Cancellation For Extra Fee
LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT—American Airlines announced a first-of-its-kind program today that will allow passengers to purchase a “priority cancellation” upgrade for an additional fee (with a 15% discount for AAdvantage™ credit card holders) upon purchasing their tickets that will allow them to have their flight canceled 12 hours in advance as opposed to the standard notice five minutes before boarding. “We know how stressful summer travel can be—don’t wait until you’re at the gate to have your flight canceled. With AAdvantage™ Priority Cancellation, you can relax knowing that we will cancel your flight 12 hours in advance,” said American Airlines in a new mobile advertisement, touting that the advanced notice would allow passengers enough time to reach their turn in the customer support phone queue. “If you’re going to miss that wedding or family vacation, don’t wait until the last minute for your plans to fall through. Have your long-planned trip completely go to shit from the comfort of your home—not a chaotic airport gate.” According to a source from the airline, American Airlines also plans to roll out a priority cancellation deluxe package that will automatically cancel hotel and car rental reservations to streamline the obstruction of customers’ summer travel.
Report: Area Man Finally Has Enough Stamps For Free 4-Inch Sub
FRESNO—In a feat of perseverance, local accountant Chad Davis has finally secured enough stamps on his rewards card to obtain a free 4-inch submarine sandwich from Sam’s Subs. “Every time I order a sub, they stamp my SubStub™ card, and once I get 20 stamps, I get a free 4-inch sub. I’m a huge fan of savings, so I definitely think it was worth spending some money in order to save some,” said Davis, who has spent approximately $220.00 over the past several weeks on his quest to earn the coveted free sub, which is valued at about $4.00. “Hard work and dedication really pay off. Man, to think a free meal takes this little!” At press time, Davis was ordering his usual footlong sub as the 4-inch sub was not enough to satiate his appetite.
Area Woman Begins Juice Cleanse, Unclear Why
BRENTWOOD—Friends and family of local woman Ashley Glindman report that the 29-year-old marketing analyst has abruptly embarked on a juice cleanse—a yet indeterminate period in which she will consume only fruit and vegetable juices for sustenance—for unknown reasons, leaving her loved ones desperately searching for answers. “Ashley’s healthy, she still looks like she’s 21, she does yoga every day, and on top of all that she’s a fantastic cook, so why she is abandoning all of that to live off of juice is beyond me,” said her mother, Kathy Glindman, adding that just days ago the two had enjoyed a homemade pot roast dinner and chocolate cake for dessert. “To be able to cook and share such wonderful meals, to have access to the fabulous LA food scene, only to leave it all behind at 29 to drink pulverized bananas and kale… there are no words.” When asked for comment, Ashley Glindman offered reporters her code ASHGLINDJUICE15 for 15% off a 7-day Celery-Turmeric probiotic gut cleanse.
Arby’s Always An Option, Reports Area Dad
BAKERSFIELD — Glancing at the “Food: Exit 25” sign on the side of CA State Route 99, area father and Carlson family patriarch Neal Carlson reminded his despondent family that Arby’s is always an option for a quick lunch stop. “You guys hungry? Arby’s is always an option. Hey David, you like their roast beef sandwiches! And they have salads for your mother,” said Mr. Carlson, strategically building his case for a visit to Arby’s while neglecting to acknowledge potential counter-arguments in favor of Applebee’s, Chili’s, or a Subway attached to a Shell gas station and disregarding the will of his family. “Come on, it will be super quick and it seems like our best option. Arby’s would be a nice treat after a long day on the road.” Mr. Carlson’s family ultimately agreed to go to Arby’s, citing that they kind of had to pee and a restroom is a restroom.
Recent Graduate Gets Dream Job At Firm
WESTWOOD — Recently graduated business-economics major Blake Gordon has accepted his “dream job” with The McGerald Corporation, a big firm that performs consulting and auditing for other big firms and is widely regarded as an industry leader among the economy of firms. “I received competing offers from other elite firms such as the HuffGuffle Group, DanielBruceDaniel, and Deloitte, but The McGerald Corporation is doing critical work that I’ve only dreamt of being a part of. I can’t wait to make a difference in the world,” said Gordon in a LinkedIn post about his new job at which he will be paid a much-coveted livable wage to fill out thousands of spreadsheets while wearing a suit, helping innovative companies such as Goldman Sachs boost their revenues. “Childhood dreams do come true. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t achieve your goal of becoming a McGerald man.” At press time, Gordon was seen smoking from a gravity bong with seven of his fraternity brothers while sporting a cut-off McGerald shirt.
Report: You On Fastest Route Possible
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY—According to Google Maps, you are on the fastest route possible despite usual traffic. “We were driving from Westwood to Burbank, and naturally, being in Los Angeles, I worried that there may be a faster route that Google Maps had neglected to tell us about,” said your passenger Shianne Dowling. “But once the soft, gentle voice behind Google Maps reassured us that we were on the fastest route possible, there was not a single doubt in my mind that the app had our best interest in mind and that there was no better route we could have possibly taken.” At press time, you were no longer on the fastest route possible as you had switched to Apple Maps.
